I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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