You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
