Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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