You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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