i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
