she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
