im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
