I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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