I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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