happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
