her vagina looked like bernie madoff
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
