I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
