They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Randomize
