I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
