i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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