i just sent this text using only my big toe
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
