I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
