I only kidnapped one of them. chill
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
