Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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