i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
The air was thick with penises
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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