I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
