$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
