I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
