I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
