sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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