just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
