youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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