Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
