Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
