You really coming over, don't trick.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need a beard to bite.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
