I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
They took my balls.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
