Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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