the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
