I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
