I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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