I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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