Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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