I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
