I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
