so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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