i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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