Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
