WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
