Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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