Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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