Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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