I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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