I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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