shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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