Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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