Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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