I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
